One of the top symptoms of hypothyroidism is infertility.
Today I want to process what that journey has been like for me. I say me, because women and men process very differently and often Mark & I are at completely different places when it comes to this subject. I’ve come to be at rest with that & am not constantly trying to make him be where I am. (Yes, I did that & sometimes still do. I have lots of maturing to do.)
It’s one of those things that many couples across the world struggle with. 1 in every 8 couples, to be exact. As a young girl/teenager it never even crossed my mind that I would be one of the 12 percent who would wrestle with this. I just assumed I’d have too many babies, too close. We’d have at least 10, the house would be loud and crazy, & my life would be consumed by diapers, homeschooling, & very little solitude.
It’s been 5 years since that blissful wedding day. The house is still quiet. I clean, and there’s no little people to undo it. No pitter patter of feet in the morning. No screaming 5-10 times per night while teething. Just silence.
The title of this post is not a spelling error. I truly believe that this journey of infertility is a blessing. Not because we don’t have children, but because I believe that God is doing something in spite of all this. There’s something here that’s bigger than my desire for a baby. It’s His heart of kindness toward me that we are still waiting. I know that He could change it in an instant, but because He has more for me, for us, He has chosen not to. And for that, I thank Him. It’s been hard for me to get to the place where I can say this, but I want JESUS more than I want children. I want to live out His calling on my life, more than I want to be a mother.
That said, I still struggle. I wrestle. I weep. I argue with God. I compare. I sulk. I pity myself. I get needy. I count the things I do not have, instead of being grateful for the things I DO have. That’s why I need an army of people to help me. Friends, sisters, mentors, my husband, to speak into those places of vulnerability/weakness. I can’t even imagine doing this on my own.
My biggest wrestling point is that I want to enjoy motherhood with my friends and sisters. I want to be able to identify with all their conversations and compare stories. I hate the feeling that they suddenly stop talking about mommy-hood because, oh right, she’s here. Ugh. Along with that, comes this sense of loneliness. I can be surrounded by lots of amazing people and feel completely alone. The thing is, no one can take that lonely feeling away. That’s something I need to struggle through by myself, for it is in that wrestling, that I find God.
My mind is going fuzzy as I write, but before I go, I want to list several things that have sustained me-
- The Word of God (When I am struggling with negativity and the black cloud of depression looms overhead, I binge-read the Bible & it’s amazing the affect it has.)
- Honest, vulnerable friendships (Being able to share the ugly parts with those around me has been so healing.)
- Meeting with a mentor (Enough said)
- Speaking God’s truth out loud, even when my emotions/circumstances scream otherwise.
- Walking very closely with pregnant & nursing mothers. (Being a doula and attending births has been very rewarding)
- Having children in my life to pour love into has been HUGE. My nieces and nephews are the joy of my heart and I love mothering them.
There’s probably more and maybe in a few months these would look different, but that is the jest of it.
Today, I rejoice in the fact that God is blessing me in the midst of infertility.
I trust Him.
In the meantime, we make gingerbread houses, and prepare for the season of celebrating Jesus. I’ve had some difficulty getting in the Christmas spirit, but I think I’m getting there.