It’s been almost 5 weeks since I sat with my Doctor, and we tried to come up with a game plan to work on my health. He said lots of interesting things, some of which I have no recollection of. The one thing that I can’t get out of my head is what he said about tigers, being chased, and how that could be connected with my physical health.
It sounds a little crazy, I know. Let me try to explain.
We were talking about past experiences with my health and how this whole chronic fatigue thing has been plaguing me for a very long time. 13 years (or more) to be exact. I don’t know how it came up, but I ended up telling him how I was in counseling for sexual abuse as a child. What he said next blew my mind. I don’t want to mis-quote him, but here’s what I took from it.
When there are traumatic things in your childhood, not only do you go through spiritual and emotional upheaval, but your physical body also takes a beating. It’s like being chased by a tiger. You run from the tiger all day. At night, you sleep only because your body passes out. (Just because you’re sleeping, doesn’t mean you’re resting. There’s still fear of the tiger.) You wake up exhausted, get out of bed and start running from the tiger all over again. Many times, this results in what they call Chronic Fatigue, Epstein Barr virus, etc.
I feel like he just described the last 20 years of my life. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly rested. I’m not even sure I know what it feels like to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually at rest. What is that even like?
What’s even crazier is that I had someone speak into my life in June of this year. Here is what she said in a nutshell: “You’re not at rest. You are very business like and driven. But you don’t rest.” She also asked “What brings you comfort?” The question stumped me. I don’t know. No matter what kind of ideal situation I’m in, there’s always something more that I want. She said many more good things about being nurtured and also nurturing others, but the thing that I kept coming back to was the whole rest thing.
For instance, you know how those warm, fuzzy “everybody is home for the holidays” feelings hit you and you just want to relish them and keep them forever? Well, in those perfect times, I’m restless. I want something more. There’s something missing. I am not comforted. Or if I’m sitting by the fire on a cold day with a book and my favorite person (AKA Mark), I’m constantly getting up to stir the fire or get coffee. Then I need the laptop, another book, headphones, you get the picture. I just.can’t.rest.
What would it be like to just be perfectly content and AT REST?
Back to the doctor’s visit. He was basically echoing what was said to me several months earlier, only he was using it to describe my physical body.
Interesting. Very very interesting.
Maybe there’s a connection.
Now, I don’t want to say that every single time there is any kind of sickness, it’s always connected to such and such which goes back to such and such. No. Sometimes people are sick simply because God wants to be glorified through that situation and use it to point people to the Father.
But, in this situation, I can’t help but make the connection. And since that visit, I’ve talked to several women who have similar wounds in their past, who are also dealing with similar health issues. Hmmm. It sure makes one wonder.
So, back to the tiger. How do I stop running? How do I train my body to rest again? How can I allow myself to be comforted?
I don’t have all the answers. I’m still waiting for them to be revealed to me.
The doctor said that instead of running from the tiger, I need to turn around and face it head on. Physically speaking, he was saying we need to heal my body through diet and supplements, so that I CAN kill the tiger. What the Doc doesn’t know is that I’m taking this and applying it spiritually, and not just physically. He would probably be amazed if he knew all the thoughts that were swirling in my brain while he was talking about physical healing.
This is so much deeper than just physical and that thought gives me so much hope. Identifying the problem is the first step. Because…
If we don’t understand that we’re sick, we won’t feel the need for a doctor.
If we refuse to recognize the problem, we won’t find a solution.
If we’re not realizing that we’re lost, how can we be found?
If we refuse to see our sinful state as being hopeless, we won’t need a Savior.
I’m doing a lot of recognizing. I don’t have answers, and a four step process to healing and freedom.
But, I know that I’m sick. And desperately in need of a healer. I believe that He is perfectly able to make me whole, in every area. I also know that He is able to take these circumstances that the enemy wants to use for evil, and use them for good in my life.
Just a quick update on my health… I’m going on 5 weeks and am still so very tired. A lot of symptoms are about the same, if not worse. Some days I just want to sleep all day long. I honestly thought I would feel better by now. But, I continue to trust and believe it will get better. I am slowly losing weight (YAY) and my mind is clearer. I’ve adjusted to eating like this for the most part, but some days I JUST WANT A WHOOPIE PIE. Or cheese. I love cheese. But, I will go and eat greens instead.
He is faithful.