I shared a little bit in my last post about being 14 and sick. I want to try and write more of my story. The timeline of events feels blurry and the order of events may be incorrect, but I am going to write it out anyway.

It all started with this fatigue that would put me to sleep anywhere, anytime.

Except at night.

My nights were long, filled with fear & dreams about many crazy spiritual things. I remember waking up with tears running down my face.

Suicidal thoughts were a struggle for a little while, but not something that plagued me constantly. I think I was just so miserable, it looked like an easy way out.

During this time, I was seeing chiropractors and other homeopathic “doctors” who would do all sorts of weird things, like read my eyes and do muscle testing. I was told to hold a product in my hand and if I needed it, my arm would move. STRANGE. One lady put a product close to me and if her mouth would start making weird noises, that certain product was for me?

I’m not here to start a debate on what natural remedies are legit or not. Or what is witchcraft and what isn’t. But, if I had it to do-over, I would probably skip all of that and find someone who has a medical degree and lots of experience. Just my own personal opinion.

Finally, we went to an MD who diagnosed me with Epstein-Barr virus/Chronic Fatigue. They told me that I would struggle with this for the rest of my life and that it couldn’t be cured, only put in remission. (Gee, thanks.) I was put on massive amounts of vitamins and things to build my immune system. It worked. For about 3 years.

At 17, it was back to square one, only this time they told me it was Mono, and through a urine test, I was told that I have Lyme Disease. (Whether or not you can accurately detect Lyme through the urine, I have no clue.) More pill-taking, etc. I just wish I had taken responsibility for my health and started researching at that point. It would have saved me from years of questions and frustration.

Needless to say, the past 10 years have been a roller coaster. I’ve had some good months, then others that would wreck me, physically and emotionally. I saw counsellors and worked through inner healing, which helped stabilize me emotionally, but still I just felt exhausted, like I was/am fighting a battle I’m not even aware of.

I prayed. I was anointed several times. I proclaimed healing in Jesus Name.

What is missing?

In the next several posts, I want to talk about how I’m slowly learning to embrace hard, even when there’s not complete healing. Even when I just want to stay in bed all day. Even when I don’t have all the missing links.

Even if nothing changes, He’s still good and that’s the truth I’m standing on today.

I feel a bit like this baby bird. Hungry, waiting, desperate for food, so I can grow to be all that He wants me to be.  IMG_0655

More later,


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