The Story Behind it All

I shared a little bit in my last post about being 14 and sick. I want to try and write more of my story. The timeline of events feels blurry and the order of events may be incorrect, but I am going to write it out anyway.

It all started with this fatigue that would put me to sleep anywhere, anytime.

Except at night.

My nights were long, filled with fear & dreams about many crazy spiritual things. I remember waking up with tears running down my face.

Suicidal thoughts were a struggle for a little while, but not something that plagued me constantly. I think I was just so miserable, it looked like an easy way out.

During this time, I was seeing chiropractors and other homeopathic “doctors” who would do all sorts of weird things, like read my eyes and do muscle testing. I was told to hold a product in my hand and if I needed it, my arm would move. STRANGE. One lady put a product close to me and if her mouth would start making weird noises, that certain product was for me?

I’m not here to start a debate on what natural remedies are legit or not. Or what is witchcraft and what isn’t. But, if I had it to do-over, I would probably skip all of that and find someone who has a medical degree and lots of experience. Just my own personal opinion.

Finally, we went to an MD who diagnosed me with Epstein-Barr virus/Chronic Fatigue. They told me that I would struggle with this for the rest of my life and that it couldn’t be cured, only put in remission. (Gee, thanks.) I was put on massive amounts of vitamins and things to build my immune system. It worked. For about 3 years.

At 17, it was back to square one, only this time they told me it was Mono, and through a urine test, I was told that I have Lyme Disease. (Whether or not you can accurately detect Lyme through the urine, I have no clue.) More pill-taking, etc. I just wish I had taken responsibility for my health and started researching at that point. It would have saved me from years of questions and frustration.

Needless to say, the past 10 years have been a roller coaster. I’ve had some good months, then others that would wreck me, physically and emotionally. I saw counsellors and worked through inner healing, which helped stabilize me emotionally, but still I just felt exhausted, like I was/am fighting a battle I’m not even aware of.

I prayed. I was anointed several times. I proclaimed healing in Jesus Name.

What is missing?

In the next several posts, I want to talk about how I’m slowly learning to embrace hard, even when there’s not complete healing. Even when I just want to stay in bed all day. Even when I don’t have all the missing links.

Even if nothing changes, He’s still good and that’s the truth I’m standing on today.

I feel a bit like this baby bird. Hungry, waiting, desperate for food, so I can grow to be all that He wants me to be.  IMG_0655

More later,

Sadie

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He will Give you Rest

The moment my feet hit the ground this morning, I was exhausted. That feeling stayed with me most of the day. I just wanted to sleep. It’s on days like this, that I want to weep, be negative and take it out on everyone around me. Poor Mark.

I need to make a conscious decision to be positive about life and work. Depression is so close, I feel its breath on my skin. I will not give up. I will not give in. I am a VICTOR, not a VICTIM.

I remember a day, about 15 years ago, when I lay on the floor, crying, because I was so tired. A young barely teenager, I thought I was just lazy and that everyone probably feels like this.

I’m finding out that it’s not true. That there are people who have energy and feel great after a days work. Hello.

Today, I am proclaiming that Jesus is healing me. Even if I don’t feel it. Even if my circumstances shout the opposite.

I feel hope.

He gives me rest. He IS my rest.

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xoxo, Sadie

Body, Soul, & Spirit

Today I watched several videos that talked about the connection between the body, soul, and spirit, and how sin can be directly connected to physical health.

Very fascinating to say the least. I want to learn more.

I always knew that when I am not feeling well, it affects my emotions and walk with God and vice versa. But that’s as far as I went with it. I would like to delve deeper and see if God is trying to put His finger in something. I feel strangely excited about it.

In this process of healing, I don’t want to find a cure-all method, but rather connect with my Jesus and hear what HE has to say about my physical well-being.

I woke from a long nap this afternoon with severe stomach pains. My body still feels so out of whack from this week. One of the hardest parts is all the guessing games. I just don’t know what’s wrong.

One thing I do know.

I have bitterness and resentment that I am wrestling with, and the Lord is clearly asking me to repent. And oh my flesh fights. Somehow in my mind, it’s their fault and they are responsible for how I feel. Such lies. Harboring these feelings is so devastating on one’s health. Not to mention the havoc it creates in my life.

God have mercy. May my life be transformed daily by the renewing of my mind.

He is faithful,

Sadie

Insomnia Struggles

I feel better.

THANK-YOU JESUS.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, the first thought that popped into my head was, “I’m hungry.” Wait.

I have my appetite back! YES!

After days of not wanting to eat, it’s so nice to not feel disgusted by the sight of food.

I’m still weak and tired, but that’s become the norm after years of fighting this thing.

I don’t do well with waiting games, so between now and when I meet with the Doc again feels long. I don’t do well with guessing games either. And I pray that the blood test results will have some answers for us.

You know what I look forward to the most?

Going to bed at night and falling asleep.

My darkest hours have been from 10-2:00 PM, when I am so exhausted, but I. Just. Can’t. Sleep.

One of my goals for 2015 was to go to bed earlier, so I can rise earlier.

Well, turns out, going to bed earlier doesn’t work if you can’t sleep. So now my goal is to get my body to sleep before 10PM. I come from a family that struggles with insomnia, but I really, REALLY want to kick this thing.

I want to enjoy mornings, and not spend the first 3 hours of my day trying to stay awake.

My Daddy takes sleeping pills, then uses huge amounts of caffeine to wake himself up. Miserable way to live, I think.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to blame all of this on my health issues. It’s also years of bad habits & laziness.

I want to change. I really do.

You see, sometimes it’s easy for me to have lovely goals and lists, and be all organized. But when it comes down to actually doing it, that’s another matter.

Self-discipline doesn’t just happen for me. It needs to be created by doing hard things.

That’s where my Jesus comes in. It’s the daily refining that He does, and His believing in me and my dreams, that helps me be someone I could never be otherwise.

So I am going to trust Him to show me what areas I need to be more disciplined in, and when I just need to rest.

We come from a culture that doesn’t know how to rest. Or pray.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but we seriously don’t.

We know how to work really hard and have gorgeous properties. But we don’t know how to pray.

Back to sleeping/health. (I go on bunny trails a lot in case you didn’t notice. Perks to not being a seasoned writer.)

The Doc said I will be able to sleep again. He said it with such conviction that I had to believe him. That thought makes me deliriously happy.

I need to go study for an upcoming talk at a woman’s conference. Ugh.

I love the actual event. But the studying part? Nope.

I should share a picture before I go.

This one indicates that autumn is arriving.

To say I’m happy would be an understatement. I LOVE the change of seasons.

The humid weather makes my fatigue and brain fog escalate, so that’s another reason for loving the cold. Hopefully I will enjoy warm weather in the future.

Happy Weekend!

Sadie

Hello world!

Today marks the beginning of a journey.

A journey to get my health back.

For years I struggled with fatigue and depression.  It didn’t consume my every day, but was a little nagging beast that never completely left.

“Chronic Fatigue is something you will need to live with” they said. And though I didn’t want to believe them, in my mind I’d accepted that yes, maybe I would always be tired.

I don’t believe that any longer.

Oh, my circumstances may not have changed. (I am typing with a headache that has persisted for the past 5 days and muscles that ache constantly. Healing seems like it’s stranded on a desert island somewhere.)

But.

I am choosing to believe that God will come through. Not through a miracle product. Not through some weird testing thing. But through prayer and hard work. (And help from my friends at Turnpaugh Health and Wellness)

Today was the day I had my blood work done and now we wait to see what they find. Then, from there, he will help me change my diet if needed and take the supplements to build my body up, which I can hopefully be weaned off of, as I heal.

This blog is a place for me to keep track of progress and remember events/dates. I’m terrible at writing a diary, and my journal isn’t much better. So who knows if I’ll even like this.

I won’t know until I try.

I’m not necessarily blogging for an audience, but am not opposed to people reading and sharing. (Duh Sadie, it’s a public place.)

I don’t pretend to be a great writer and have no desire to write a book, etc.

Just a place to write about my journey to health. And other things that are on my mind.

Ultimately though, I’d love to point people to Jesus. The ONE who heals, redeems, and LOVES like no one else can. If He chooses to heal me, I’ll praise Him. If He chooses not to, I’ll praise Him.

I sense Him calling me to “Rise up and Walk” in faith, even if healing doesn’t look like I think it should.

I hope you’re encouraged and blessed as you read.

Now I need to figure out how to post this and all that other happy stuff. I’m clueless really.

So, here goes nothing.

Love, Sadie

P.S. This is the one and only picture I have for today. (Lame, I know) But for me, it’s one of those pictures that marks a new start. Did I mention that the needle they use to draw blood is massive? OK, that might be stretching it, but seriously. OUCH.

Having my dear friend Kay get her blood work done too, helped. We joked that we’re the blood sisters. We get our blood drawn and mix it to make a covenant. I’m kidding. Promise.